This new journal of my spiritual awakening begins today. A new pathway for me. The loss of our 5 month old nephew has finally kick started my ass to move forward instead of staying on the fence. I need something to believe in instead of a maybe something to help me help people. As a child, I was always different. Always searching for knowledge. Dreamer, loner, bookworm has been used to describe me in the past. I always knew I had gifts. My thoughts are that when you are born, you have all the knowledge of your past lives and of the universe, but life hinders that knowledge. Outside influences mold your thinking and you lose the knowledge you started with. I’ve always been an old soul. My mother was brought up as a churchgoer..Methodist if I remember. My grandmother played organ and sang in a choir. I don’t really know about my dad’s side. My dad is a whole other entry..not sure if his path will make his way here in this entry or not we shall see where everything flows. I went to a baptist church til I was about 13 I think and then as a child I knew that this wasn’t the way for me. The sermons didn’t move me…it was empty. Then I started dating my daughter’s dad and then my spiritual beliefs just shut down because I was into her dad and wasn’t about to be bothered with it but it was always in the back of my mind. My first marriage had its own issues and we won’t go into them. My beliefs just shut down until I was on my way out at about 20 years old. But my soul wouldn’t allow me to rest. I started have dreams..prophetic dreams a lot. I started to go online and then meet others that were searching for answers. I started to know things..and see things..energies. Then I met my ex boyfriend who was much older than me and was catholic but he was open minded about spiritual things. I went to his church..but again the same thing..the sermons didn’t move me..emptiness. So I stopped..parted ways with my ex and moved on. Keep in mind this whole time, I had my daughter Cassie and again my gifts wouldn’t let me rest because she was gifted herself. A healer, a medium, an amplifier, em path are words that can describe her. She saw things,knew things. So again, the powers that be decided I needed to get back into my spiritual side to guide her. She is still finding her way. She shut herself off when she was 10 and she is still shut off but she still isn’t at rest with herself. I wish I could help her but she chooses not to at this time. Then I met Tier and Abby’s dad, Mike. He was open minded about things and took me as I am. One of the reasons I loved him. He was walking his own alternative spiritual path. I think to this day. Our marriage was to help me help him move on his path and to bring me my children. So at this time, I tried Wicca. I did Wicca about a year but again I felt out of place with that and not comfortable. Then I dabbled in Norse religions. I thought Freya was my answer. She was closer but not quite. Still out of place.
Then in 2005, I had a series of Epiphanies which I put in my first journal. Now to people reading it, they would think I was schizo. It was basically a journal of me talking to myself and the images and thoughts I was feeling. At that time, I felt like I was 2 people in 1 body. But I know today, it was my spiritual self just not giving me a choice anymore. At this time, I was on my way out of my marriage with my kid’s dad because I knew it was time for me to move on. My help was done there. I met my Ryan, my true soul-mate. The one who accepted me for all my sides…on all levels. That was like a lightning bolt. So I was still moving along my path, closer to the answers then I thought. This is when my true journey began. I began to have visions of wolf, panther, cat and drums and fire. Natives in their ritual garb. I started hearing drums, flute, and singing. A wa hey…a wa hey. The visual is still in my head. And then I knew this was my path. We started to go to Wild Winds Buffalo Preserve. And for the first time in my life, I felt in balance and at peace with myself. I cannot begin to describe the way I felt when I was with the bison people. I knew this was my way then. So during the course of this, I was put in the path of many friends who shared with me the red road. For a time, it was joyous. Then things in life happened, and I parted ways with the preserve. Losing a piece of myself. I went on like this for 4 years. I felt loss. I felt like my path was unclear again. I was on the fence. Doubting myself and my beliefs. I bonded with whom I will refer to from this point on as Grandfather. He is and still is my mentor, teacher, guide or whatever you want to call him. I had to spend 2 years around him before he welcomed me into his family. They don’t take things like this lightly. You must give your whole heart and soul or you are a sham/fake. I was still on the fence and I was separated from him for 2 years. I wasn’t ready to accept things but I was still his family. He gave me my space that I needed and I thank him for that. We started talking again and I felt whole again..at peace in a way but still not there. So this brings me to this moment in time, this Epiphany. My spirit sister and brother lost their 5 month old son, my nephew and it moved me to where I am now. I sang on the wind for Zach and touched Mother Earth and let my spirit help him on his way and then I knew. It was time. I found my way at last. And I cried tears of joy and for the first time in my life, I was at balance again. They asked me if I wanted to say or do anything to send him on his way to the mother. I said yes. I called Grandfather and asked his council and advice and told him then and there that I was ready to learn and I wanted him to help me. So here I am…on my true path once again and I feel at peace.
My theory of myself and my gifts at this timer are that I’m a soul healer. And I continue on this path, I will find out my true purpose I think. Many people of many walk of life are drawn with me. As my friends call it I’m flypaper for freaks. Hence my theory on soul healing. They are damaged, unwhole, broken, at loss with themselves, and need guidance.
Until next time,